May 04, 2016
Our church family and friends flooded our family with kindness, practical help and tremendous support after our daughters came home from India. But sometimes people don't know how to help when a family is going through a difficult transition or season, and as a result don't get around to doing anything. Here are some simple ways you can be an abundant blessing to a family whose dynamics are shifting as they become a Safe Family, open their home to a foster child, or complete an adoption.
1. Bring a meal. On the afternoons when a meal is coming, I am able to relax more, engage with the children more effectively, get more things done around the house, and live in the moment.
2. Pick up frozen dinners that can be popped into the freezer. Trader Joe's entrees such as Mandarin Orange Chicken, burritos, pizza's or lasagna's have been readily accepted and always enjoyed. On the days when nothing seems to go as planned, opening up the freezer to find something ready to go into the oven is wonderful blessing.
3. Go grocery shopping. A dear woman and fellow adoptive mama dropped off a grocery sack filled with a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, grapes already washed and and in snack-sized Ziplocks for the kids to take to school, homemade muffins, a box of cereal, and Pop-tarts for a quick breakfast. Incredible.
4. Take kiddos to the park. When our baby was first born, a friend took our older two to the park for two hours so I could have down time with the baby. It was one of the first times I was able to breathe after my mother went home.
5. Buy clothes. When our two daughters came home from India early last summer, our precious babysitter asked if we were low on clothes. Who would have thought to ask that? We actually were in desperate need for more jammies, and thus she went out to the store and stocked us up. She did buy a new set for each girl, but she also went to the thrift shop and picked out another half a dozen sets that were in good shape and ready to wear. It was tremendously helpful, especially considering that our girls still have a hard time going into a store without a major tantrum.
6. Mow their lawn. A darling church mama arranged for young men from our church to mow our lawn all summer, once a week. It was one less thing that my husband had to worry about. Even when our home felt laden with chaos, our neatly trimmed lawn was a visible reminder that we were cared for.
7. Drop off a coffee. A friend swung by with a latte one afternoon. One of my favorite tee-shirt's says "with enough coffee I could rule the world," and by buying a friend a coffee, you are empowering them to do so.
8. Recommend a book that has been helpful or encouraging to you. A friend recently loaned me "Parenting the Hurt Child" and I am more interested in reading it, and it has more credibility in my mind because it was helpful to her family.
9. Offer to watch some of their kiddos. As everyone adjusted to the new family dynamics, different kiddos needed more attention at different times. When a friend offered to watch some of them, it gave me the freedom to meet the needs of whoever needed focused one-on-one time the most, while not pressuring our friends to watch everyone.
10. Give the parents a restaurant gift card or Groupon. When a family grows, there isn't always money in the budget leftover for date nights. When a friend gave us a gift card to an Italian restaurant, we felt so refreshed by our night away over candle light, homemade bread and fresh pasta.
11. Invite their whole family over for dinner. I think a lot of people were intimidated by the new size of our family and the emotional needs of our children. But a few special families didn't let that stop them from inviting us over for a meal or play date. Yes there were tantrums and tears, but knowing that those families loved us despite our messiness, made us feel loved.
12. Send over a mothers helper. A handful of young women came over last summer to play with our kids and help me out around the house. Together we helped get everyone snacks, folded laundry, cleaned up toys, and put away dishes. Having an extra set of hands was helpful.
13. Take their children on an outing. Dear friends of ours took our kids to the zoo and left us sitting on our porch swing with fresh hot donuts from the farmers market. As they drove away with our children, our kiddos were thrilled, our souls were at peace and our bellies were full. With donuts. Amen.
14. Just ask. When you are unsure of how you can help, send a quick email or text asking them what they need. Some friends just text me on their way to the grocery store asking if I ran out of anything. Perhaps the parents just need to go for a walk or run and you can supervise playtime in the backyard while they take the time to exercise or talk. Or maybe having someone sit on their porch and pray with them could transform their day.
They may not need anything at all, but at least you have asked, and they are reminded of God's kindness to them through the visible, practical and tangible body of Christ. As they journey through a dark and difficult season, your kindness and service to them could be the light that carries them step-by-step to the other side.
February 08, 2016
The morning came far too early. 4:22 a.m. blinked loudly on his mobile. I lay in bed, listening to him snore. Listening to the kids toss sleepily in their beds next door. Ultimately, helped out of bed several hours later with no added sleep, I started the day in a fog. As the smell of the coffee started to awaken my senses, I peered out our back sliding glass door. The new day was dawning grey, and a heavy fog clung sleepily to the trees in our backyard. Low to the ground, like a blanket, it wrapped itself upon our world and reflected back to my soul the very same emotions it was grappling with. Heaviness. Thickness.
At 38 weeks pregnant I went into labor and our miracle baby was placed into my arms. We were up for days at a time, but despite our exhausted bodies, our spirits were filled with awe and wonder as we spent four full days in the hospital cherishing her every breath, counting her fingers and toes and photographing her endlessly, as if we had never before seen such a tiny and perfect human-being.
Now four short weeks later, and just as exhausted, my soul knew that change once more was coming. I cancelled my best friends weekend visit, didn't schedule any play dates, and tried to make sense of the emotions I was grappling with. Later in the day, the fog burned off with the rising of the sun, but the wetness in the air remained. Humidity clung to me and the heat made me far less patient than I wanted to be with my tiny beloveds. Soon I received the email we had been waiting to read for years and the heaviness not just of body, but of spirit, made sense.
Our daughters were ready to come home. They were waiting for us to get them. Their Article 23 Letter was released. Their Birth Affidavits were sent. The orphanage received their passports. All was in place for their new parents to fly to India to bring them back.
I cried in awe of what God had done... years of prayer culminated in this incredible news. Our never-ending years of adoption headaches and paperwork and nightmares and financial instability were about to come to an end. So I should have been filled with joy unspeakable, but instead I realized- that the heaviness inside of me was not only depression and exhaustion from this season of rapid change- but recognition of what God was calling us to do.
The weight of it all settled on me, wrapped itself around me until I felt suffocated and unable to move. 5 incredible children ages 6 and under. All with the need to be loved-on and held. Rocked and believed-in. Advocated-for and encouraged. Built-up and taught. Fed and hugged. Sung-to and embraced. This is the heart of our family and the mission we have worked towards for over six years. But as the journey of adoption is about to end on a timetable that is not our own, I can't help but feel completely unequipped to raise the precious souls God has entrusted to us. The heaviness knocks the wind out of me. I stagger under the burden of what He is asking us to do.
But then I remember that He who calls, promises to equip. He who beckons the sun to rise and puts the world to sleep under the guidance of the moon, assures us that His timing is perfect. Birthing our daughter on April 13th and picking up our last two on June 6th doesn't make any worldly sense. But God created us. And He created them. And when He decided to put all of us together under one roof and declare us family, who am I to question His timing in doing so?
Thus with a timid voice and buckling knees, with a tear-strewn face and an exhausted body, with a depleted bank account and a myriad of questions without any answers, I am choosing to stand up boldly and proclaim that He understands the timing far better than I do and for now, that knowledge has to be enough. Our confidence in His scheduling must empower us to end our adoption journey well. As all 5 of our children look to us in the busy, tumultuous weeks and months to come for assurance and guidance, they must see us looking boldly to Him. In place of our weakness and fear, may they see His strength and hope, for they will weather this season of transition only as well as we do.
originally published in June of 2015